I'm bringing sexy back...NOT

Ok, so how is one supposed to feel sexy and make a baby when she is super gassy and feels bloated all the time? Stupid glucophage gives me major gas..I know TMI but seriously. It's really hard to feel sexy when you feel like you are 3 times your normal size. I'm a big girl to begin with so this bloatiness is not helping at all. So I started going to the gym again. I go after work which kinda sucks since I'm already tired from working on my feet for 12, almost 13 hours, but it's gotta be done. It makes me feel a bit better about myself. It's difficult getting in the mood to make love to your husband when you feel completely unsexy so I will do what I can to remedy that.

On a lighter note, we just had a really nice weekend. Went to the coast to watch some races and then spent the night in Santa Maria. Sunday, we went to a really cute little Danish town called Solvang. Totally adorable. We walked around, went in to all the cute little shops. Hit about 4 bakeries (I know, totally contradicts the whole gym thing but oh well...I have an insatiable sweet tooth) and a few little quilt shops. I found a cute little something for my nephew to be. Seriously, this little guy is going to be completely spoiled by his auntie Melanie.

That's about all that's new with me. Going back to work tonight. It's gonna be a long week next week. I'm working lots and Mike will be out of town all week. I really need to go and get my name changed. I'm just dreading going to immigration...such a pain in the ass. I will do it thursday for sure though. That is all

White girl can jump

So I had to end my last post a bit abruptly and I apologize for that. But, our new bed arrived as I was posting!! I'm so excited! I can't wait to get to bed tonight to try it out. We finally have our california King sized bed! The thing is so high, I practically have to jump to get into it. I love it!

I thank my grandmother once again for the awesome bedding that she gave us as a wedding gift. I finally get to put it on the new bed and it looks awesome.

The room is too small for the bed but we don't care. This house is too small for us anyway. We just keep reminding ourselves that it is temporary. Once we sell this sucker we are out of here and into a nice new (big) house. I cannot wait! Come on housing market...pick it up already.

The Fresh Prince was wrong

Parents DO understand. I was reading my sister in law's blog and she was raving about how awesome my mother is. Well she's totally right. I have the most kick-ass mom. She has always been there for me even though she lives 3000 miles away. She has always helped out my brother and I through everything. She didn't have any problems conceiving, but she saw my brother and sister in law go through infertility treatments and so she understands what Mike and I are going through right now. I can't wait to move to Indiana so that I can be closer to my family. I feel very far away these days. I never really got home sick after moving to California, but ever since my brother told me that I was going to be an auntie, I've been really homesick. I want to experience it all with them. I want to be a big part of my nephew's life and I know it's going to be hard to do while living 3000 miles away. Anyway, Just wanted to tell my mom that I miss her and that she's awesome!

Stupid crank heads

So I worked on the fourth of july. It was actually a good night. They put 3 of us in the nursery which is really rare. Usually, there are only 2 of us in there even if we have a bunch of sick babies. Well, we were 3, we only had 3 "sick" babies and there was only one person in labor almost the whole night. We had no deliveries at all that night. I think that's the first time in months that that has happened. We did however had 2 babies from meth addicts. Well, meth leaves your system pretty quickly so sometimes, even if we test the baby, the baby will be negative for drugs. But you can totally tell that the baby was in a drug environment in utero. The cry that meth babies have is very distinctive, they are very irritable babies and most of the time also get the jitters. So we had one in the nursery that night that was like that. I couldn't put him down, I had to hold him the whole time and soothe him. The poor little guy was having such a hard time. It just kills me that people can do that to an innocent little baby. It kills me even more that they can have children so easily and people like us can't. I just don't get it and I don't think i ever will.

The other thing that really annoys me, is people that come up to me all the time and say "Are you pregnant yet?" You know what, you will know when I am pregnant. I will scream it from the rooftops. Stop asking me every damn time I see you. Seriously, it's like twisting the knife when you ask me all the time.

My mother in law was so sweet on the 4th. I was working with her and Iwan (our only male nursery nurse) and we always pick which baby we will take care of overnight. Iwan took the one that neither Jackie (my mother in law) nor I wanted because we had taken care of her and we were at our limit with her. So I figured I would take the other sick baby since I knew Jackie had taken care of the little premie that didn't know how to eat. Well, Jackie told me that she wanted to take care of the other sick one and that I could take care of the little premie. This little thing was just soooo cute. I was loving on her all night. Then at the end of the night, Jackie tells me that she gave me that little premie on purpose because she knew that I needed a cute little thing to love on. It was really sweet, I thought anyway.

So that's about it. The hot flashes are back with a vengeance because of the progesterone, but I only have 3 more days of that.

The hardest part

This post is where I'm going to vent a lot of my frustrations.

Do you know what the hardest part of this whole thing is? Working in the nursery. I love my job and wouldn't give it up for anything. I mean, I get to see the miracle of life everyday and it is amazing. What is extremely frustrating, is seeing all these 17 year olds on their 2nd baby and the meth addicts on their 8th baby and none of them have custody of their children because they can't care for them. It makes you wonder why these people who cannot take care of themselves, let a lone an innocent little baby, can have children and we can't. Mike and I are 2 normal people with jobs and a lot of love to give to a child and we can't get pregnant.I just don't get it. My brother and sister in law went through the same thing and now, after 3 years of meds and IUI's (intra uterine inseminations) they are pregnant with my little nephew. Same goes for my good friend Lily, after 2 years and an IUI, she is expecting twins. Why does it have to be so hard for people who can actually care for a child and have so much love to give a child? I almost smacked one of our patients the other day. An 18 year old having her first baby. She said "wow, they are so easy to make, but really hard to push out". I just wanted to punch her and tell her to speak for herself, they are not always easy to make.

The other hard part is that it seems like everyone around me is also pregnant. I was in a delivery the other day and there were 3 out of the 4 nurses in that room that were pregnant.I mean I'm really excited for them, but it's also really hard to see that I'm not.

I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting or it's the hormones talking, but I'm very frustrated and a bit depressed about it all these days. That's why I decided to jump on the blog bandwaggon. It has definitely helped to just put it all out. I know that I can talk to Mike about it, but I just don't know how to do it without breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I'm not the crying type. I think that Mike has only seen me cry a couple of times. Once when he proposed, once at our wedding and a couple of times when my friends were going back home and I knew that I wouldn't see them for a while. I just don't know if I can put all this on him. I'm sure that it's hard for him to. I just feel like a failure to him every month that it doesn't work. I know that he doesn't see it that way, but I kinda do.

Anyway, enough, I'm out for now.

hot flashes and gas...great

So I have now started my new meds. Well, I'm still on the other stuff the other dr prescribed, plus the one that Dr.S added on. The progesterone and clomid make me have major hot flashes, plus I'm completely emotional all the time which is very unlike me. It also makes me cramp a lot...I can handle that, it's just annoying. I just keep thinking that maybe it's a way of getting back at me for not having periods and cramps for so many years. The glucophage though is another story. If I don't eat when I take it, I feel very lightheaded and shaky. But the worst part of that med is the fact that it causes you to have a lot of gas...Painful gas.

So the first month of new meds, I get a period on my own, without having to take the progesterone! That was exciting and I never thought I'd be excited about having a period, but the fact that I didn't have to induce it, to me, was a really good sign. Maybe my body was kicking into gear, maybe this will be THE month. I decide that we should have sex every other day during the entire month instead of just during sexfest week, just to cover our bases. So by day 31, still no period. My boobs feel bigger, my uterus feels full, I'm very emotional, tired all the time and nauseated for the last 2 days. I'm thinking this is it! The new meds worked! Everything that month just felt right. So I take a pregnancy test and it is negative. Damn it, damn it, damn it! I just lost it, I was crying almost the entire day. So now I have to start everything all over again. Those hormones are kinda hard on your body. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I was so hoping that this was the month that I would be able to stop everything and feel normal again.

I guess we have to keep on trying

Hormones, hormones, hormones

So, I go see the dr. and I tell him that it's time to do something else. I'm still not getting a period after the surgery and obviously I'm still not pregnant. So he starts me on 2 things. The first one is progesterone, that one is to "induce" a period. The second one is Clomid, that one is to make me ovulate. So I'm supposed to take Progesterone for 7 days, then 2-3 days later I get my period and I start Clomid for 5 days. I start Clomid at a dose of 50mg and I am to increase it by 50mg each month that I don't get pregnant until I reach 200mg. Oh, and I am supposed to do an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) during days 9-16 of my cycle to see when I ovulate. We are also supposed to have sex during that week since I'm supposed to be ovulating then. We call it sexfest week. Then, if I don't get a period by day 30, I'm to take a pregnancy test.

Well, the first month, all my OPK's were negative and on day 30 I still didn't have a period so I took a test and it was negative. I figured, that's ok, it's just the first time with drugs, I should let my body do a couple of cycles and then maybe it'll work.

Well, 4 months later, i'm still not pregnant and according to the OPK's, I'm still not ovulating. So I decide to go see a different Dr., one who is more specialized in infertility. I also work with this Dr. S and he is very good at what he does and is very nice. I talked to him at work about what I'm going through and he tells me to come and see him. Usually, it takes a long time to be able to see him because he is a very popular Dr, but I got an appointment 2 weeks later.

I went in to see Dr.S, told him my story again and he said that obviously, the problem lies with me. I don't ovulate. He looks over my records that he got from my previous Dr. (they are in the same group) and he says that he thinks I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. That's what I've been telling Drs since I was 18!!! He says that my labs are all fine but that I have a lot of the other symptoms. That extra tissue that was found in my uterus during the hysteroscopy is a huge sign of PCOS. The weight gain, facial hair (I wax and pluck a lot!) and negative OPK's are other signs of PCOS. He doesn't know why my previous Dr. didn't diagnose me with it. So he starts me on a whole new regime of meds. He wants my to take glucophage. It is a diabetic medication so that totally confuses me. I looked it up and if you have PCOS, your insulin levels are out of wack and that keeps your ovaries from releasing eggs thus you don't ovulate. I had no idea the 2 were related like that. I came home that day completely frustrated with my last doc, feeling like I wasted a whole year. Like I said before, I'm not getting any younger and I don't have any time to waste. I read up a lot on PCOS and I definitely have so many of the signs and symptoms that I just don't understand why the other docs wouldn't diagnose me with it. It also said in my readings that OPKs are pretty much useless when you have PCOS, so that was a lot of wasted money.

Surgery? Ok, I guess...

So after getting engaged and finding out that there might still be hope in conceiving, I go see my OB to see what's next for me. Well, he wants me to have a hysteroscopy with a possible D+C. That means surgery under anesthesia. OK, why not. He wants to insert a small scope to see for himself what the heck is going on in my uterus. Well, have at it, my uterus is all yours. I should point out that even though his mother is a nurse, as well as his fiance, Mike is very squeemish (no idea how to spell that). So at the end of May 07, I go in for my hysteroscopy. Mike of course came along with me. I forewarned my OB not to go into details with Mike, just to tell him if I'm ok or not or he might end up having to catch a 6'4" man passing out in the waiting room. So I go in to surgery, come out feeling fine, just a little crampy but go ahead and give me a couple of percocet, I could use the good buzz. The first thing Mike tells me is "dude, he showed me pictures". Hahaha poor guy had to see pictured of the inside of my uterus...totally grossed him out. My Dr. comes in and says that everything went well, my tubes look good, my uterus is retroverted (tilted back) but that's not a big deal, my uterine lining though was full of thick dead tissue which was not cancerous, but he removed it all and cleaned out my uterus. Now it's a beautiful empty uterus. He tells me to go ahead and start trying again in a couple of weeks and again, to wait and see.

Well, a few months go by (7 to be exact), we get married, and still nothing. Time to go see the good Dr. again. This time though, I want to do something more than wait and see. I'm not getting any younger and neither is my husband. We have to get crackin' on this baby making thing.

Part 5 to come later

Don't worry, just keep trying

Well, I went to see one of my favorite OB's that I worked with. He is really nice, has excellent bedside manner, and most of all never panics no matter what the situation. So he of course orders a bunch of lab work. Of course, all my labs are fine, my hormones are all at normal levels. He tells me he doesn't know why I don't have a period. I mention PCOS (poly cysitic ovarian syndrome) and he assures me that I don't have it since my labs were all normal. He tells me to feel lucky that I don't have to have a period all the time and to keep trying. At this point Mike and I have been together almost a year. We know that we will be getting married, he just hasn't proposed yet because he is saving up for the perfect ring.

So after a year of "playing russian roulette", nothing happens. So I go see my OB again. He wants me to get an ultrasound to see if my ovaries and uterus are ok. This is 2 days before Valentine's day. I go have the ultrasound and the Dr. calls me into his office to give me the results. Well, this can't be good or he would have just told me over the phone that everything is fine. I go to the office and he has me sit down. It's not good news. He tells me that I have a bicornuate uterus. This means that my uterus is heart shaped. He says that it is so bad that it looks like eventhough I were to get pregnant, I wouldn't be able to carry a baby passed 23 weeks. A baby is viable at 23 weeks, but obviously, that's not good. He tells me he wants me to get an MRI to get a better picture, that maybe the ultrasound is not giving a good enough picture. I of course leave the office crying my eyes out, thinking that I will never be able to fulfill my dream of having a child and being a mother. I know that I can adopt, but I would really want a child of my own. I want to be pregnant, to experience everything and most of all, to have a child that is from the love that Mike and I share. And so on Valentine's day, I went for my MRI. Being that I work at the hospital, the MRI tech let me look at the pictures of my uterus. Well, it is NOT bicornuate!! There is hope.

That night, Mike proposed. He didn't want to do it on Valentine's day, but the moment was soooo perfect that he had to. I had cooked us a romantic dinner, there were candles and music. We were slow dancing in the dining room and just enjoying each other. Seriously a perfect moment that will be forever engraved in my mind.

Part 4 to come later (you gotta love insomnia!)

And the Long ass story continues

Since I kept being told that I needed to lose weight, I started seeing a dietician. Well, this dietician did what I call the american version of medicine...he prescribed me a new medication. Guess it was used for depression, but also to help smokers stop smoking ie, it helped to curb cravings. Well after being on that medication for 2 months, I lost a whopping 4lbs. So I started thinking about having a gastric bypass. I had tried all the diets, weight watchers, atkins...none really worked for me. At this point I had just started working in my new department which was OB. I used to work in the cardiology department but switched within 8 months in California to what I always wanted to do, work with babies. Anyway, a lot of the nurses that I worked with in OB had had a gastric bypass and were doing really well. I had read all the horror stories, but I was seeing first hand that as long as you follow Dr's orders and chose a good surgeon, a gastric bypass can be very successful. So I did it. The surgeon that I picked was amazing. She made sure that I was in the right frame of mind to have the surgery by making me go see her dietician and a psychologist. I remember that at the seminar, my main concern was whether or not it would affect my being able to have children. They assured me that it wouldn't and I even met some post gastric bypass patients who were succesful in having children. So I did it! In the first year I lost 110lbs! It's been 6 years since the bypass and I am still without any problems. I have regained about 15lbs since, but that is normal.

Now since losing weight, I was on the hunt for a man! I dated a lot but none of them were husband material. So I dated some more. (this makes me sound like a whore, but really I'm not...I just kept picking losers) Then this one nurse that I worked with in the nursery kept telling me that I really needed to meet her son. She kept saying that we had a ton in common and that we would be perfect for each other. Well, it was always bad timing...either I was dating someone or he was. Until Finally, 4 years later, I was able to meet Mike.

Mike is a big race fan as am I. I grew up in racing. My uncle used to race and every summer since I was 13 or so, I worked at a race track. So, one saturday, my coworker Jackie convinced me to go meet Mike at a race. Well, I didn't want to go alone to a racetrack and meet some guy even if I knew his mom really well and she was awesome, so I made my roommate tag along. Well, the poor thing was ignored the whole night because Mike and I hit it off right off the bat. We have honestly been together ever since. It is at this point in time that I really started worrying about being able to have children. I knew about 6 weeks after I met Mike that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and wanted to have his children. So I went to see one of my favorite OB's that I worked with to try and figure this all out

To be continued

In the beginning

I guess I should start from the beginning. When it comes to getting a period and having a regular cycle, it never happened. I think I got my first period when I was almost 18. Then I would get one or two per year. I went and saw an obgyn in Canada (that's where I'm from...I didn't just randomly decide to go to Canada to see an obgyn) when I was 19 and he did some lab work and then told me not to worry about it. He put me on the pill and that gave me a few regular cycles. Then I went to College and my birth control wasn't covered by my insurance so I stopped taking it. Of course, because of that, I didn't have a regular cycle. At that point I didn't really care because that meant I never had to worry about having a period. I mean how many girls would love to just not have a period every once in a while? I never thought twice about it.

Then I graduated from nursing school and got a job in California. That's when the pain started. I was having migraines all the time, had insomnia and body aches that felt like the flu but worse and it was constant. I had some good days but most of the time I had bad days. I went to several doctors in California who just prescribed me meds...sleeping pills and extra strength ibuprofen and told me to lose weight. I was very overweight (still am, but not as much as back then) but being overweight shouldn't cause you to have such severe body aches. Well, after talking to my aunt about how I was feeling she said that she thought I had the same thing as her...Fibromyalgia. She had been diagnosed with it a few years prior and said that my symptoms were just like hers. So I went and had the pressure point test done and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Great, just what I need. At that point, there was nothing you could do about it because not much was known about the disease. So it was a matter of trying all kinds of natural remedies, extra zinc, calcium and magnesium, some st-john's wort...shit like that. Never did a thing. Sometimes the pain was so bad I couldn't get out of bed or even go to work. All the doctors I saw in California didn't really believe that it was a "real" disease so never really treated me for it, just kind of poopoo'd it. So now, I had no period and lots of pain and not a decent doctor to be found.

To be continued...

I know, I know, another freakin blog

So I caved. My sister in law has one and one of my best friends has one so I figured, why the hell not. I'm just getting very frustrated with trying to conceive and so I thought blogging might help. My sister in law susie-lynn and my friend Lily both went through the same thing and said that blogging helped. So why not. I will post about my experiences later on today. Just wanted to start it up now. I just did a pregnancy test again this morning and once again it was negative and i have not been able to go back to sleep since. My head is swimming right now so once my brain stabilizes a bit, I will tell y'all about my story. Be ready, cuz it's gonna be a long one.

I think that even if nobody reads this blog, that it might still be a little bit therapeutic.